How To Sell Soul For Money

This article originally appeared on Unbound Worlds.

In Simon R. Green's From a Drood to a Kill, a deal with the devil draws supernatural fixer Eddie Drood into a deadly contest where the winner takes all, torso and soul. Eddie wasn't the one who made the deal with the devil: It was someone else, only he'south got to pick up all the pieces. It's a great story, and a fun variant on a familiar theme. (How fun? Like, occult James Bond fun.)

You'd think that at this point just about everyone would know that a contract with Satan isn't going to work out the manner they want it to, just people keep doing it. Sure, there are exceptions to the rules (John Constantine, I'chiliad looking at you), but chances are that anyone that enters into a deal with the Great Beast is going to exist ruined in the end.

But say you want to practise it, anyway. Even if yous think you're lucky and smart plenty to beat out Beelzebub at his own game, selling your soul isn't as easy as starting an sale on eBay. At least it isn't anymore.

The outset matter you're going to have to decide is which devil you want to do business with. I know y'all might take heard that there's just one devil, but medieval demonologists believed there were gazillions of demons and devils just waiting to go their hooks into tasty, tasty man souls.

Dial-A-DEMON
You could waste a bunch of time thumbing through ancient texts in some wizard's library in a dungeon somewhere, just when it comes to finding a fiend in a hurry, I adopt Michelle Belanger's The Lexicon of Demons. This compendium of cacodaemons is like Hell's Yellow Pages, and if there's a demon or devil, chances are information technology'due south in there. You tin flip through at random like that fourth dimension you lot needed a bail bondsman in Vegas (What, y'all didn't recollect I knew?), but your best bet is going to be searching by area of expertise. (Devils, like doctors, have specialties.) It's not going to do yous very much skilful to think Bathin, the demon of herbs and precious stones, when you really just want a new ride. For that you want Saltim, who can gift wizards with flying thrones. Don't waste matter your time or their'southward: It'due south busy in Hell, especially during the presidential ballot.

BLOOD Carmine Record
Presuming you've found the right devil, you're notwithstanding going to need to practice all the paperwork. Yes, every bit yous tin can imagine, Hell is big on paperwork and bureaucracy in general. Information technology'due south the national pastime in the Underworld, and then yous'd better practice your homework (also invented by demons). As hard as it is to believe, it's just about incommunicable to find an chaser who works with demonic contract law, so for proper communication, nosotros're going to take to plow to people who allegedly made a deal with the devil.

PARTNERS IN PERFIDY:

Robert Johnson (1911 – 1938)
The undisputed master of the Delta Dejection is rumored to have met the devil at the crossroads to bargain for his soul. Johnson got his wish and became a famous bluesman, but died at only 27 years of age. The exact location of Johnson's crossroads is unknown, although some people suggest the intersection of The states 61 and US 49 in Clarksdale, MS. That'south as skilful a place to brainstorm your search every bit any. If you don't find the devil, there'south nevertheless a good chance y'all'll find God: Morgan Freeman is a Clarksdale native, and is non infrequently spotted hanging out at his Basis Zero Blues Club.

Expert Advice: Take a trip to the Delta and look for the devil at the crossroads. At worst you'll have some incredible food and enjoy some peachy music.

Jonathan Moulton (1726 – 1787)
Revolutionary War hero Brigadier General Jonathan Moulton took trolling to an ballsy level when he sold his soul for an agreement that the devil would make full his boots with gilded every twenty-four hour period. Unafraid to endeavor the father of lies at his own game, Moulton cut the soles out of his boots and placed them on the top of his chimney. Later on Old Scratch came forth to fill up Moulton's boots and establish that he couldn't, he burned Moulton's business firm down.

Practiced Advice: In that location's no fashion you're getting a square deal out of the devil, and you lot're going to Hell anyway. Y'all might as well endeavor to pull one over on him.

Nicolò Paganini (1782-1840)
This Italian violin virtuoso was gifted plenty that people but causeless that he had fabricated a deal with the devil. The rumors indomitable him until the 24-hour interval he died — and after. Following his death in 1840, the Catholic church in Genoa refused to give him a Christian burial. Is there any truth to his clan with Satan? Maybe, maybe not, and It's unlikely the devil volition give y'all a straight respond.

Skilful Advice: Even if you don't make a bargain with the devil, you might besides let people think you did. It'southward manifestly good publicity if we're even so talking almost information technology virtually 2 centuries later. Merely articulate everything up with your priest, showtime.

Theophilus of Adana (? – 535 AD)
Unhappy with his lot in life equally an archdeacon in the church, Theophilus decided to explore his options as a free agent. He hired a necromancer to summon the devil, who offered Theophilus a position as a bishop in the church in substitution for his soul. Theophilus signed a contract in claret and was promoted before long thereafter. Apparently Theophilus looked at his chances equally a mole in God's operation and decided they weren't so good. He took the contract to another bishop and asked for his assistance. The bishop ripped upwards the contract and Theophilus died on the spot … supposedly out of joy to take gotten out of the deal, merely it's not similar he's around to enquire.

Expert Advice: Whether you're getting in or getting out of a deal with the devil, it'due south skilful to have a professional person at your side. Y'all might have a hard time finding a necromancer these days, but there's e'er Craigslist.

NEXT STEPS:

Take hold of your guitar or violin, hang a pair of boots over your chimney, put your bishop's telephone number on speed dial, and take hold of the next flying out to Clarksdale. Chances are this won't end the way you want information technology to, but you lot tin can't say I didn't warn y'all. Presuming you practice make contact with the devil, and then you're probably going to want to commencement thinking of means to get out of your contract. Here are a couple of possibly-tried and non-so-true methods.

Fiddle Contest:
Apparently, Satan can't resist a good erstwhile fashioned fiddlin'. See this instructional video.

Sell Out Fido:
Famous English language Folk Hero Jack O'Kent tricked the devil into building him a bridge by promising him the soul of the first person to cross the bridge. He tossed a bone across information technology and went running after it. Tough luck, Spot.

If All Else Fails, Become a Glutton for Penalization
In "The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror Iv", Homer sells his soul to Satan Flanders for a donut. One time he gets to Hell, Satan attempts to punish him by stuffing him with donuts. Rather than being horrified, Homer is delighted. Clearly the devil underestimated Homer's appetite. Chances are that the devil isn't going to offer yous any breakfast pastries, though. Peradventure you lot should develop an appetite for sulfur and brimstone now.

Are Y'all Really Sure Y'all Want to do This?
We've had fun here, merely It is my last recommendation that you practice not pursue a bargain with the devil. He and his ilk are veteran tricksters who have spent many millennia bargaining with foolhardy mortals who idea themselves clever, only to wind up spending eternity slow-roasting over a pit of flaming viper venom. All the same, if you've read this far then nothing I could say would likely steer you from this course. Withal, in good censor, I cannot let yous proceed without providing these examples of supposed deals with devils that went terribly incorrect.